Friday, 13 May 2016

An honest journey back to me

Here I am, im 31 years old and in the worst shape of my life. Having once been in pretty good shape without wanting to sound full of myself! I have been in denial about my body how it is now for a really long time and last week the penny finally dropped!!

So Im standing in Zara's fitting room trying to squeeze myself into the size I used to wear thinking I can still pull it off then I catch sight of myself, standing there looking at my reflection in the full length mirror and it hit me I have become the big girl I had been before I got married and I an ashamed of what I've done to myself.

Now I don't want this to come across as self loathing nor am i writing this for attention with people telling me "oh no, you look fine" this is about me taking back control my body,  I have damaged it and I only have myself to blame.

As I stood there with the bright lights shining back at me through the mirror, my round tummy sticking out I felt myself start to well up,  but instead of crying I took out my phone and captured the moment, the view from the front, my side on profile and the view of my back, yep rolls and all. Don't get me wrong standing there in my pants looking at myself at my worst is not my finest moment but it was probably the most honest one I've had, I am standing there shaking my head knowing that I have to change.

So I mentioned that I had once been in good shape, nothing has ever motivated me more than the dreamy image of myself in my dress on my wedding day, I gave myself a year and started working out, DAILY!  back then I did an hour of Pilates with a Swiss ball that's all and after about 5/6 months I was down to my goal size, I continued working every day right up until the night before the wedding, I loved it, the endorphin's it was like a drug! I would race home from work to clock in my hours workout for the day, it was the best stress reliever  I've ever had, more so than alcohol  (well get on to that later)

I can tell you the exact moment I made the choice that's put me in this yo yo cycle ever since then ..... waffles and bacon with maple syrup!!!

The morning after the wedding, my lovely new husband and I stayed in this beautiful B&B, the breakfast menu was amazing!! I could have opted for a nice Greek yogurt with fresh berries or maybe the protein rich scrambled eggs and smoked salmon (the boy went for this)  but me .... I went for the naughty waffles with bacon that was loaded with maple syrup and a few rounds of toast with butter, did I mention I'd also sampled the fresh homemade complementary pastries in our room or that I'd been pestering my new husband to eat the top tier of our wedding cake (I ate that when we got home....) it's like that moment in the matrix , if I'd opted for a different pill would I be here writing this now?

I told myself I'd take our two week honeymoon break free from working out and get back to it after, I didn't, I promised myself that I'd continue to eat as healthy as I had been, I didn't and within 3 months I'd put on more than a stone. I was in a lot of denial,  then the yo-yo dieting started. I have been "skinny" exactly twice over the last 7 years since my wedding but I've never been able to make it stick and I think that's purely down to my lack of my  commitment to exercise,  there I've admitted it not to mention my poor relationship with food and warped sense of body image that has brought me full circle to now. I was a lovely healthy size 8 when I got married and if I'm honest with myself now I'm pushing a size 14 whilst squeezing myself into a 10, the shame.

Now I'm not saying size 8 is how everyone should be, nor am I encouraging anyone to want to be I have always been  impressed with other people's positive body image  but for me I was happiest when I was smaller and 90% of that was because I was working out to achieve that the other 10% well I'm not going to lie being able to walk into any store and not have to try anything on because I knew it would fit just gave me a boost! I'm 5'8 and am lucky in a way that I don't hold my weigh in one particular area of my body, it evenly distributes so I never look quite as big as I am, but I feel it, I feel heavy.

Last year I turned 30 and it was probably the worst year of my life, I mentioned that I have been "skinny" twice since the wedding, one was in 2012 when my dear husband had some severe mental health issues which I will go into detail in another blog, the other was last year in my 30th year I got "skinny" again for 6 whole lovely months I got back into working out this time with the help of Mary Helen Bowers the founder of Ballet Beautiful  I loved it, I was committed, I was happy! Then my addiction with alcohol started and it began to feel like my life at times was  starting to spiral out of control. 

My sister got married, I was going to be a bridesmaid ..... I took the painful decision not to be, our estranged dad gave her away alongside my stepdad end result .... It broke my heart and the weight pilled on. I stopped exercising, had bouts of self harming, started eating poorly and started drinking heavily! I No longer talk to most of my family.

I have gone from 10 stone 7 pounds in august 2015 to about 12 stone 5 pounds as I'm writing this in May 2016 so in a year I have gone down two dress sizes and probably back up 3, shameful. Now as my blog post says this is an honest account of getting back to me and ill be as honest as I can.

So lets set the plan in motion, I love Ballet Beautiful but before I start I really need to kick off my weigh loss before I can tackle the tightening and toning that Ballet Beautiful can help to achieve  I am looking to Jillian Michaels; Shred it with weights program Now Jillian is a trainer from the Biggest Looser most famous for her 30 day shred, she has received a lot of flack for the DVD i'll be following apparently the Kettlebell community are not impressed with her form but I want to see for myself.

I am starting Monday 16th, every morning at 5.30am. I'll update weekly on my progress, whats working and what isn't and hopefully I'll start to feel more like myself soon.